Truth,
‘You aren’t you anymore. The joan i know would never be like this’.
But maybe I’m not the same person everyone thought I was any longer. Maybe in trying so hard, I lost myself. Maybe this just isn’t meant to be.
the end of yet another,
well aware that yet another chapter of my life is coming to a close and i have been putting off writing all my letters for the longest time yet. i have so much to say but it don’t know how to put it on paper. but yet it doesn’t feel right not writing either, leaving with so many words left unspoken.
have never been good at handling changes and the ends. no matter how arduous, miserable, less than expected this whole journey has been, it’s been one amazing one. when it really comes down to it, i can’t say that i’ll make a different choice if given the chance. everything that seems perfect actually comes with its demerits, just like how we can find something good in miserable times. and its learning to accept everything as it is that makes the whole journey bearable. i thank God for the friends that i’ve made along the way, weiyun vincent lisa raphael joshua gabriel lionel yili brenda, people that made it a whole lot better and people i wouldn’t have known if i hadn’t decided to come. and without you people, guess life here would really suck.
need to pack for japan and write my letters, then sleep off the flu and battle our final practice tomorrow. the next few days are gna be one really exciting and hectic journey, the last few days i’ll be spending with VJCSB (‘:
limelight 2012,
my very, very last official performance with VJCSB, and probably my entire band life.
(the mundane details for future reference)
today started off really stressful, with only 2 hours of sleep after staying up to work on the letters. and only when i reached school and couldn’t find my concert file did i realize i actually put it in my bagpack after prac yesterday without realizing it and left it at home. thank god the sister sent it to esplanade for me on her motorbike before work, thanks sissy! rehearsals, lunch, made a new friend! the soprano singer for architecture who’s also peishan’s friend. bought shades during lunch for arashi, met a lot of sections at marina square. went back to rehearse, took a huge lot longer than i expected. started feeling those awful anxiety pangs and mononoke run through was just overwhelming. by the time the entire rehearsal ended it was nearly dinner. showered quickly and went down but i really couldn’t eat anything so i threw my entire dinner away. changed, the girls were in a huge fluster.
the first half went great, we sounded a whole lot better than normal. didn’t miscount for architecture. noah’s ark brought about a huge wave of nostalgia. princess was just, amazing. yili did a really really awesome job. ran around during intermission to find the teachers. met ms choo, wished her luck but i forgot to tell her about me passing my exam hahaha. ran back, by that time my feet were about to die. presented the flowers to mr sam where the backstage people kept calling me the ‘flower girl’, i’m surprised he still remembers me.
second half was awesome as well until arashi where i felt like crap because i couldn’t see shit on my score with the shades, and i couldn’t play and do all the weirdo stuff at the same time. still, i think it was a wonderful job seeing we only took half a day to put it all together. and the audience liked it so… (: waited for the hall to clear and took photos on stage. ran to find the classmates and friends and family, ran back. kicked off the heels along the way. haphazard packing where i left my file at esplanade oh god such a klutz today, thank god wong kept it for me. went back to school, where everyone started thanking everyone. i had so much to say but no words for them, and while saying it i felt like exchanged letters and all, the tears. photos. everyone was exhausted by that time. cabbed home with vincent, cost $19 gosh.
(end of recount)
i’m really really exhausted now, its 2.15am and i only had 2hours of sleep last night D: i’m too tired to feel much right now and really need to crash so i’ll save the other bits for the next post, probably after japan. speaking of which i can’t believe i’m flying tomorrow. life has been way too hectic for us to stop and think and feel. till then!
merry-go-round,
got to talk to hongwan today. it didn’t make things better but it felt nice having someone to talk to about everything. sorry i made you wait so long for me, weiyun ):
i feel so exhausted, this whole term has been such a whirl. getting caught up in everything, responsibilities, pressure. and i don’t actually feel like i’ve even accomplished anything. i don’t know a quarter of whats going on in lessons, i don’t know what i’ve actually achieved in band. don’t even talk about church, or relationships. this isn’t half of what i could do, and did at SN in my final term. i’m not as strong, i’m not as resilient and determined and who everyone thought i was and would be. i’m so tired all the time from everything when i’m not even doing anything, is that even possible?
and hearing that, that you came here with a motive, that you hated us from the start. so what was it all, simply a facade to get what you wanted? is it that important to you, that you could sacrifice your friends, yourself? i feel so, so bloody stupid i could just slam my head against the wall. i came here for yall, for the friends for the place. and turns out it was all fake, one whole big lie. you, too. i don’t know what was real and what was not. i don’t know if we were even ever friends. i’m so sick of playing mindgames with everyone, being wrapped around politics and all when i know i’m not up to it. i feel so freaking gullible and i hate myself for it. its so scary to know that someone you thought you knew could be this horrifying. i don’t know what else to do, i don’t know what else i should be doing.
on a sidenote, i met ms choo today, she’s playing for alumni band! (: didn’t get to talk much to her because she was rushing to prac and i was rushing to talk to wong. a whole 2 years since she taught me, it was really a huge surprise to pass by here by the band room door when i thought she was still in UK. must remember to take a pic with her during limelight.
i have 4895734895384 things to do before i leave for japan, pack the luggage, buy stuff, re-file all my scores and the cards, oh gosh the million cards to write. head feels awfully heavy from the flu, i shall catch up on sleep before i do anything else.
We may forget some things,
The words people say, the particular moments. But we never forget how it felt then.
